Thursday, 1 September 2011

It’s times like these, time and time again

For some reason, as I mentioned after discussing prawns earlier this week, there has been a slightly happier, more anticipatory feel about the way time is passing in the run up until my interview and (hopeful) departure date. At the time of writing that post, I thought that the more positive feeling was perhaps due to the easier verbal and cultural mouthful of "six weeks until I go", rather than seven, or nine, or having to express it in (horror) months. However, in running through my diary today to double-check a few plans, I've noticed something else, something that is actually crucial in terms of how I deal with my last 40 days in the UK: I don't have a free weekend now until I leave. There are only weekdays to fill now, and even that number is falling faster than I can get my Filofax out.

And here is the material point: I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! Yes, time passes a little too slowly here and there when there isn't preparation or just busywork to be done. Yes, sometimes I get a bit lonely, and perhaps am a little less than (mentally) considerate towards people that I wish I could hang out with but can't, because they have lives and commitments of their own, regardless of when I leave. There really isn't the time to worry or waste over daft things, and I have so much to enjoy and be thankful for here. Must, must remember that next time I start to whine!

What seems to have unravelled this development further is that this week is the first time that I've spoken to Ben about how things will be when I arrive in NC. Of course, we've done the fantasising about romantic reunions, being able to see each other every day, generally been sickeningly lovelorn about the whole event, but we have now started to discuss what we will actually do. Whether we'll need to move stuff around the apartment to accommodate my things. Where we will put the suitcases once they're emptied. The fact that we want to book a table for dinner on the night of my arrival because then we can come home from a date together, knowing I don't have to leave him again (or vice versa). We've joked about sharing the housekeeping chores. I've worried about being a neat-freak, compared to Ben's tidy but altogether less compulsive style of organisation. It is these kinds of things that make our finally being together both even more magical and even more real - and those two aspects are meant to be distinct.

I have started to process and worry about (in a non-anxious sort of way; I am naturally one of those people that worries almost as a default setting, so I don't see it - perhaps this is ironic, ha! - as anything to be worried about just because it happens to be in the context of moving to NC. I worry about anything and everything, but it's mostly just background noise.) routines, events, cleaning, real things that are going to be affecting us when I get to America. It is wonderful to know that I will be sharing and enjoying the entire spectrum of life with Ben; with him, the mundane is treasured and the special made even more spectacular by being able to be by his side for it. This is the "magical" part of the equation. The "more real" part is the bit where I have, although mostly been getting excited by daft things like planning trips to Ikea and doing the shopping together, been thinking about how I am really leaving, and how I will be on my own for real. I mean this with no disrespect or fear with regards to my relationships with Ben, his family and friends; I am well aware that they are so very supportive and loving towards me that I already feel as though I have a life in Charlotte. I am very lucky. And I also know without a doubt that I am doing the right thing. But I will be without anything of my home, my norms, my life. All of it will be new. I am going to have to rely on people I do not know anywhere near as well as my dearest friends here, albeit only at first. There's going to have to be a lot of adaptation. And that now being so much more real a prospect is giving me rather a lot of food for thought.

2 comments:

  1. There will be a time of adjusting. When my husband first moved from the US to the UK it was wonderful being together again. And you have the usual butterflies and excitement but then you have to experience the reality of living together. I have no doubt though that you two will figure it out. And then you have a new kind of wonderful, having the person you love there to give you a hug when you've had a horrid day, PRICELESS xx

    http://shermsinthemiddle.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the lovely comment. :) I really can't wait. We had 2 months of total togetherness over the summer and I miss him so much now he's back in the US.

    That kind of wonderful is so precious. I hope you guys are doing okay not being together! I'll have a proper read of your blog now, but I see you're doing a spouse visa rather than a K1, which I hear can be tougher/take longer? Hope it's going well. :) xx

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for taking the time to write! I try to reply to everyone, and I love to read your comments.