Monday, 19 September 2011

Some eloquent graffiti like: "we'll meet again..."

Me and Joy
There's no two ways about it: this weekend was emotional! And that exclamation mark is clearly being used to try to tone it down, as it was this weekend that finally broke me in terms of really feeling like I'm leaving, and being allowed to be sad about it (no matter how happy I am about why I'm leaving). Saturday was spent doing mostly photo editing for My Other Limb (autumn and burlesque shoot photos - what a combination!) and avoiding feeling pants, as I was really sensing my "in limbo" status that day. I'd had the loveliest evening with an old friend, Laura the night before, but - or perhaps and - was starting to be more conscious of how torn between two places I am at the moment. I'm so frustrated with waiting to go, not because of the general irritation it causes (faffing about with packing, paperwork, wedding dates and so on) but because of how, simultaneously, goodbyes are prolonged and how my being out of Ben's life in NC is extended. I feel like I don't belong anywhere right now, like I'm not allowed to be sad about leaving the UK because I'm happy about the reason for my departure and like I don't fit in with my friends here or there, in spite of the good times I continue to have with the British contingent, and the love and support shown by those on the US side while I wait to get over there.
Gift from Joy

Sunday was what did it, though. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, Joy, until goodness knows when. Although she is my maid of honour, she's not able to make it to the wedding because of the flight expense (she's just got a new place with her man, Nigel, and has been away for a month over summer, touring California, so money for flights just isn't available), so it's probably going to be 2013 (!) by the time we manage to get money together to come back to the UK (or they come to visit us). I was absolutely fine, and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon together, until I was walking off from saying goodbye, and then had a bit of a cry. Only a bit at that point, though, as I went straight to my local for some (more) goodbye shenanigans/drinks with my friend Meg. As she was a bit late, I had the time to compose myself and look at the lovely going away gift Joy gave me (above right): a bag of charms for love, hope, health, safety, and the future. I will make sure I take those with me in my hand luggage. Me and Meg then had a few hours of chats and silliness, including lots of MacBook PhotoBooth fun, followed by me staying after she left for the evening, as my work friends arrived for the pub quiz. Unfortunately, 'The Tit Pyramid' came fourth, although we had some excellent conversations about double-sided chinchilla fur thongs for men. I do love that lot.

And that was probably the final straw. I got home at about 11, made a cup of tea, thought about my lovely day with wonderful people, and cried my eyes out to the tune of Iron & Wine's 'The Trapeze Swinger' (see what I mean about my need for sad music when sad? And that is one exquisitely sorrowful, regretful song).

Weirdly, I now feel much better. I think I've been waiting to do that for a while.



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