Saturday, 26 November 2011

Of all the things I know for sure

I am currently sat in my pyjamas, avoiding both work (online research for the studio) and the gym, listening to our wedding ceremony music and daydreaming. I make no apologies. I am very, very happy because, in one week, I get to marry the love of my life. We are getting married in seven days; we will be married this time next week. No amount of font styling can express my excitement, and I sincerely doubt my effort with words will be any more successful, but I'll give it a go.

It feels like Christmas, but Christmas when you were a kid, and better than that, really. Wow, I am so eloquent sometimes! There's a wildly free feeling of being excited because it's new and unknown, but also a warmth and certainty because it is known and exactly what you want. A wedding is just a very small part of the whole relationship, of course, and wouldn't be happening without the fundamental bond between the two getting married. And then there's the utterly overwhelming love that underlies, accents, fills everything, and so the wedding itself is just a very small representation of that. But oh! I am so, so excited to marry Ben.

We spent yesterday evening, after a day of working on papers (Ben) and editing photos (me), sat at the Wine Vault, deciding on drinks for our evening reception, chatting over a delicious bottle of  Aussie Shiraz (a lucky pick that happened because of me finding the name funny ("Boxhead" - I'm a child), and Ben wanting a heavier red to drink that night), and just being. One of the most wonderful things about being with Ben is that just being with him is something I always look forward to. Whether we're nattering over a tasty glass of something, watching a film, walking, cooking, doing our own thing in the same room, bickering about who is right about colour coordination, laughing at the dog farting at an alarming rate, listening to music, eating dinner... It doesn't matter, and all of it is brilliant. The everyday becomes special, and not in a trite "oh my goodness, the world is all pink and rosy" pre-packaged romance kind of way, but simply because he makes me so happy, and the space we share is joyful because we get to be together.

There is no way I'll be able to do much better than that to explain or try to record how I'm feeling right now. We talked a bit last night about whether the wedding itself would make much of a difference to us. Neither of us think so, in the emotional sense at least: we already feel married. We are bonded for life, with or without the ceremony. But I know for sure that this will be a big thing for me, even if it changes nothing. Perhaps that is how a wedding should be: an added extra, something that is done to celebrate a love that doesn't need a formal, legal process to secure it or improve it, but that can have a formal process because it is so wonderful that it seems silly not to celebrate it ceremonially.

That's actually just hit the nail on the logical and emotional head for me: I've been wondering why it does seem a big deal to me, when I am already so secure and happy with Ben. It's because I am so secure and happy with Ben, filled with joy and love I didn't know (or believe) were possible, that being so lucky as to be able to celebrate that... I didn't think that would ever happen, and I am ridiculously fortunate to be able to be with - formally and informally - the one man I know I can and will love forever, and will love me back the same way.

Now I really am beyond words.



5 comments:

  1. Thank you to Jenna for the photo used here! Please check out her stuff at http://whosthatnerd.tumblr.com/

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  2. I love how you summed up my relationship with Ryan while capturing the emotions of your own with Ben. People ask me all the time when Ryan and I are going to get married or when I'll have a ring on my finger, and honestly it doesn't matter to me. Maybe we would have been married already if we had a little more money, but either way, nothing would have changed. We are married. Calling him my boyfriend feels foolish because it sounds so temporary and minor compared to the companion he is to me. He is my partner for life.

    Thank you for writing this. I'm so unbelievably excited for the celebration next week. Love you guys!

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  3. I'm glad it made sense; I was quite convinced I was babbling for most of this blog post, but reading it back, and now your comment, gives me hope that it flows well enough to share what I really mean!

    People asking that must be very frustrating, as there's an implication there that you *should* be married if you're going to be together for life. Now, while I think celebrating love in a formal, "socially normal" way is wonderful for lots of reasons, and the legal benefits of being married are also a good reason to do it in some cases, some people don't want to be married or are unable to afford the whole process, and so asking repeatedly when it's going to happen really isn't very sensitive! Even if you have time to explain to someone (and they have time and the inclination to listen to ideas that are outside of their comfort zone) that marriage isn't essential and it doesn't change anything fundamental about your relationship, I think there's still an underlying sense of judgement or misunderstanding, at the kinder end of the scale. You are married, I agree: you are together for life, and that's what being married, bonded, really means.

    Thank you for commenting. :) And for liking it! It means a great deal. And I am so excited to be able to celebrate with you next week! :D Love you. xx

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  4. Yay, exciting times! I don't remember what I felt like in the lead up to my wedding. We didn't do much of any planning until Adam was actually in the UK and we didn't have too big a blow out. I agree with you that a wedding is a nice way to celebrate the love and bond you have with someone. With or without signing on the dotted line. I think so many people get caught up in the idea of a wedding, they don't take the time to think about what marriage really means. Or to make sure they're on the same page as their partner beforehand. So when a marriage falls apart after 72 days, the world acts shocked. These days it seems that more time and effort is put into a wedding rather than the marriage. So it's refreshing to read your post and know that you and Ben have a real grip on what it means to be committed. One of my favorite lines from a movie: "If you wanna know what marriage is like, imagine a prison...and don't change anything" xx

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  5. Hee! I am so excited I might burst - seriously, I get to see my family in about 1.5 days and I might explode. And then I get to marry Ben! EEEEE!

    I thought I would write down how I felt because, although it might not be the best ever written piece, it's at least a record of how I was feeling. Ben did most of the planning while I was back in the UK, so we've just done the last bits together (colours, menu, favours etc.), and it's a small wedding of about 36 people, so nothing huge (and half the size of the engagement party).

    I think you're right about people not thinking about what marriage means, but then again, I guess some people just really want to be married (or just have the wedding day itself), and they may not believe in a person feeling totally right for them, even if they are promising to stay with them forever. Having said that, I imagine it being easier to get out of such things if you have money, so perhaps that changes how easily people are willing to commit to that legal (if not emotional) contract. It's not always the case though; this year we have been some wonderful weddings that signify the start of incredible marriages, stemming from strong, inspiring, and happy relationships. That gives me lots of hope and happiness!

    Which movie is that?! Not sure I would liken marriage to a prison, but I would certainly promote its permanence. :) xx

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Thanks for taking the time to write! I try to reply to everyone, and I love to read your comments.