Sunday, 5 July 2015

Guard your heart, don't build walls around it

It's been almost two months since I last wrote. How did that happen?! It seems to be about my standard blogging pace these days. Initially I slowed down in my writing because I was busy, then because I thought I was getting used to being an expat, then because it was too hard and there was too much to say, then because it was still too hard and I didn't know what to say, and now because... I guess a combination of the first two reasons? I'm busy, and I'm pretty used to being a Charlottean these days. No bad thing!

It's no longer too hard to write. My anxiety issues are still there, but they're incorporated and manageable, rather than the main feature. I can attribute this to my own willingness to heal, the amazing encouragement and unending backup I've had from family and loved ones, and the benefits of medical and therapeutic support. These past few months have been painful and a struggle for different reasons to those with which I have an ongoing wrestling match. The loss of two people I loved, differently and at different times, but loved and didn't get enough time with regardless, has been and continues to be very difficult to process (and that's just my stuff - my heart is truly with those closer to them who have lost a parent, partner, or child). I don't feel right writing about that on here, or at all, as nothing seems appropriate in terms of doing the loss any kind of justice, and I certainly don't want to speak out of turn. Suffice it to say that both were taken too soon, and I wish it could be undone.

Running 3-4 times a week again. :) 

So, what to write, then? Over the past eight weeks or so there has been another shift for me. I guess the lessons of the past few months, or year, or two years are that nothing is certain, that shifts happen all the time, and that perhaps you only become conscious of that when a big one pulls the rug out from under you. This has begun to settle as a revelation, and has become more of a truth I always really knew. There are days when I feel inconsolably lonely, days when I just want to sleep (and usually can't), and days when I think I'm okay and then panic rears its head as though to remind me that I can't be assured of anything. But I'm so very well. My strength has returned. I'm happy and aware and fortunate and me - more so than I ever really thought I'd be again. I might even be so brave as to venture that I'm a better me; a stronger, more resolute, resilient, compassionate, assertive, and more comfortable person. Regardless, I'm not constantly anxious or worried about who I am or how I'm perceived any more. At some point, that fear just left me, and that persistent nagging voice is either absent, or so quiet I can tell it to bugger off because I have better things to listen to. It's such a welcome change.

Perhaps I've stalled in writing because subconsciously I've wanted to write an "I'm all better!" post and then move on from there. My naive, optimistic, overly-hopeful brain likely thought that this would be the case some day, and that I should wait until then. But not only is it not the case, it also shouldn't be. As the wise Doctor (Capaldi, in this case) said:

The Doctor: Are you okay?
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Good. There are some things we should never be okay about.

With that in mind, then, let's move forward knowing that things are different and that I may not write as much (for a plethora of reasons!), but when I do, it's from a place of strength and peace and happiness.

And possibly this lake. :D


I am a water baby, and thus am never happier than when near or on/in water,
I had the loveliest July 4th this year.

This man and this derp. Just love.

My sister. :)

They're so creative.

I choose strong.

Ah! These two! Furry loves of my life.

I've even become brave enough to say hello to famous people I admire!

As ever, my Neldie. :)

Love and laugh.

Love wins.

And a bit of humor.



"Never live your life without love and patience; find your way on board before your train leaves the station."

-- Carolina Story, 'When I Was Just a Boy'

2 comments:

  1. I have been making so many excuses as to why I haven't been writing... still haven't pinpointed the reason. Thanks for sharing this <3 <3 <3

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    Replies
    1. Sorry it took me so long to reply on here. Thank you for the comment. I'm glad you've now started writing again. :) <3 <3 <3

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